I’ve concluded that I’m confused.
Close this wound, that I etched,
Scraped into my minds skin.
My nails feel they’re committing a sin.
Maybe I gotta shape the edges to curve to the shape, to fit within the box.
So we can close the lid.
Tag: schizophrenia
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Shut within her locket, memories, that corrupt her sense of stability to the ground. Fireworks corrupt her mind with the intention to seep her through the limits of her illogicality. Corrupting my mind with verbal words and melody, seems to always go this way. Corrupted by not being able to verbalise my feelings, because it’s always me who’s illogical and no one else.
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I dunno if I can understand what goes on in my mind – and maybe I don’t have to, but I still try. I’m trying to understand what goes beyond me, but it ends up all muddled up, because everything’s in fragments. I can’t tell if memory feels real – true, or false. But Maybe it’s just because I’m due for my depot.
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I wish I could be content within myself, anxiety always overshadows. Compulsion, static sympathy. I finished that show last night, it made me cry. Some things are so meaningless, but I think about them over and over till they have meaning.
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It all Changed for me, when I promised myself I’d never forget. I’m awake when everyone else sleeps. Everything goes through my mind, anger, distress, peace, quiet and always longing for more. Can you give yourself to someone, when your heart belongs to another.
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It’s all in my head, everything I needed to say. But it’s like it’s been illogically scribbled on a napkin, it doesn’t make sense when my mouth moves to say it. Creatively thought through, but riddled in the middle of confusion. Nothing reaches the conclusion, it’s just a spinning splash of gibberish.
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When you discover things aren’t real, you drown your whole world in your mind.
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Crucial coincidences. Misidentifying. Rapid cycling. System overloading. Minds folding. Stubborn incidences. Fine principles. Caving walls. Detail falls. Just Craving more.
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Had a year just to stay all mine, I had some time to stay all night.
It’s a Beating crime to go out of sight.
The room closes in so tight, just wasting away my prime.
It’s defeating, and I felt nothing below my feet.
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Mirages masked in static around the room
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September blues left you with no clues, but creation bleeds through the finger tips and the ink sheds some light on the crash. Assassinating the waves, no lamictal rash, just more stable. Driving in the car, I thought solely of the things that bury me deep in reflection, and then I reflected on it.
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Earthquakes as birth makes something contoured that was once slow burned. It’s never together, always apart – and maybe the birth takes more than what I will learn. I learn so slowly, you see. I learn so slow, and now it’s too late. Over the head, everything rolls, over my head. In my own world, when I’m tired the butterflies and flowers moved over me. I fell asleep in the garden yesterday.
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I have a strength in me, to believe in all the things that you say.
But I get misguided, the wires cross. Fiction, and fact get intertwined.
Twisting out of control, the veins in my brains get bigger and bigger.
And I know that It’ll be with me forever.
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I’ll feed my fantasy
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Listening to the flooded sound, measuring my state of mind on a scale. -
Days began to swing one into another when the seroquel put me to sleep for most days and nights, but now the seroquel can’t even stop me from staying up all night sometimes. Still the days blur.
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I found the words you use to disguise. The room is filled with noises. People talking, don’t make sense. I see images on the walls, they can be beautiful. The music on the speaker is played loud, I bet yours is too. Everything cuts deep, and I have no energy to put into it. But I guess I’ll try.
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Everybody heard the noise from the headphones because I listen to my music too loud. Everybody glanced at the paper as I wrote a letter to myself, but they couldn’t understand anything that it said. Riddled in riddles, septic in meaning, and all the words were lost through time until I found it in the future.
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Coming through the black spot from the dot at the end of the sentence. A whirlwind, catastrophic situation that’s signalling the end.
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Thoughts are a mess, jumping from one thing to the next.
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The weather in my mind is lighting and rain.
Time traveling through all the pain.
Overthinking until I’m insane.
Nothing works right inside my brain.
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As long as our hearts are pure, I’m sure we’ll definitely find a cure to heal our souls. But, the inevitable is always going to come. Playing music while I lie awake unable to sleep because I feel it deep. I keep reminiscing on past memories and how I could have done it differently, even silly things that no-one else would even remember. I want to float away, far away from my thoughts, where I’m just existing without effort.
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Love leaves so slow, if at all. Stole a piece, and then I never put it back. I sometimes see so clear in my dreams, but when I’m awake my dreams seem so unclear. I address you through my words, but I don’t expect you to see – I’m just a girl you used to know. I’m not angry, although sometimes I am. I guess it’s the way it has to be.
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Not talking to myself, you know they’re there, whispering in the crooked, croaked, cabinet they call my mind.
Total silence is hard to find, no visuals ever enter my mind. It’s just black, and I’ve always been afraid of the dark.
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Inspiration hits when she flips
Out of control
So better prepare
For a sceptic scare
She’ll glare
You’ll stare
Pretty,
At a cost to impair
Tempting,
On tell tale grips
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My mind will spread its roots all through my brain, extracting every sense of self. Leaking poison through the icky parts of myself, convincing me of all that is wrong with the way I feel. And I feel lost, I feel sad, but I feel I must overcome at any cost.
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But I promise that I’m not dangerous, I’m just lost in my madness
Always thinking I’m worthless, convince me I’m flawless
And I promise that I’m not heartless, I’m just lost in my sadness
Always thinking I’m hopeless, convince me I’m precious
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Astounding the places my mind goes, travelling through time just to roam a planet far away. Clever at tricking, it’s sticking to its story. Strong to misguide, never thinking right. Confused, misjudged, statements left unsaid. Sounds found deep within. Too much control. But I can’t control either.
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I’m gonna fall apart before I ever get the part where you say you care. You have to stare, glaring at the empty chairs – A systematic sinister snapshot berating us with its existence.
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Secrets signed with pencil
I’ve still got damage from the image of you kissing her
My signature can easily be erased
My pockets are filled with scepticism
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Love to end in tragedy, isn’t it oh so romantic. Oh no, but it’s supposed to be all okay with you. Every fad and curse to start with emptiness, isn’t it a tragedy you’ll say, Everything is lost on me. I do listen to your words and rhymes, even though I misunderstood.
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Too long to wait, the wait is endless. The pavement leaves me speechless. Just for a moment maybe I thought I wasn’t crazy, but I probably am. Aw well not much I can do to inform you now.
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Droplets seep into the skin below your eyes, sorrow awakens and begs us to surrender. Solemnly swear to my broken back and shoulders left bare, that I will try to move today.
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Sunshine gloom. Tears in fearsome eyes. Colours of all shades, glowing in this game charade. Sometimes I can see more than what’s beyond me.
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A fairytale ending is no ending at all, maybe if we stall. We’ll make it to the ball before we fall, deeper and deeper. But no, i’m just a creeper. Getting steeper, and steeper. Getting deeper, and deeper.
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Yeah, I’ll be up all night, but that doesn’t bother me. I talk to the birds, say hello, say goodbye. Never thought I’d be a fool, but maybe I’m a fool for you, Just for today. Tell me a story, I’ll listen I promise.We drive by, I always look because sometimes your name is there.
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I never changed my mind, circles, go round and round. Too stubborn to influence, intuition is often confused. Why live your life wondering if you don’t have to. I don’t understand why I have to live my life wondering. Acting natural in front of you, something a rather. Maybe something lucky will happen. It’s amazing how many stories go round and round my head.
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Trusted in the fate of the fear. Gutted, inspired by the interference. Fragrance stepped out through the smell of my nose, stolen senses break on the freaking of my mind. My mind doesn’t care for insight.
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Staring blankly at a fragmented ceiling, my heart screams from within me, nothing can console my rotten bones. So I lie here and stare at the fragments above me, and dream.
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Sweet how your words sink
Down the drain Into my heart
Should of known from the start
That when it comes to a depart
You will not be my missing link
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When I find out I wasted all this time planning the perfect crime, it’s fine, everything can roll over me like the car tires that scatter the gravel on the road. Should we believe everything we’re told, not sure, probably not. It seems to smother me, but at the same time, I love it.
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Sometimes I stare at the sky to find a cloud that speaks to me loud. Wondering through the faces, leaving steep traces. People are watching, people are reading the thoughts that read through the spaces of my mind. I don’t want to do normal people things, they say I have no motivation, yeah I guess that’s true. I wish I could just be left to simmer and wait till this life is done.
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I sometimes google what you mean. The results of my analysis of the words prove to send me more confused. I over think things, and people may not read this but I don’t want things to be unpleasant between me and you. I’m confused, I’m always looking for answers, but I’m worried I’m looking where there isn’t any, but maybe no message is a message.
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Forever is a really long time, to feel as though you’ve committed a crime.
I never think before I relinquish my pain. It always leaves a stain on you.
I keep reminding myself it’s all in my head, because it’s just easier that way.
Like how I hear people chatting in my ears, or how I see images on the walls.
It’s not real.
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All my visions, they just appear. Dripping along the typed paragraph, all my expectations disappear. Seeping through the skin, the scars reappear. Making it so damningly clear, that there’s so obviously still fear.
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You runaway. It’s never gonna matter, because you’re never gonna forget her. They say everything happens different through the seasons. All your dreams revolve around, all your fears crash around. So slow, I look for silver rings, hoping I don’t find any. But one day I will.
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My mood changes every few days, today it’s glowing like the sunny day it is. I didn’t feel sad yesterday and today like I did the days before. I was motivated to exercise, I get these bouts of motivation, Then I have a week where I can’t do anything. It’s like I’m trapped in a never ending tunnel of depression, there’s no light, but then all of a sudden I feel ecstatic, excited, but the cycle repeats and I’m sad again.
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Future self I see, and I don’t like her. She speaks and then she shocks with her words. she’s clever, uneasy, and super breezy. She’s quiet in company, sometimes her mind yells voices too loud and too soon. I ask How far ahead are you? She’s older, and bolder but she’s not me, just some random lady I happened to pass by.
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Wake up in the morning to a dramatic exit. Systematic stand still rock n rolling control stares slip through. I’d like to hear about your day, I kinda freaked out, I find your intensity overwhelming. I feel confused, reality is blurred with fantasy. I had to get away because I fear I’m unwell.
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I tried to say but I think the message came through the wrong way. I tried to scream, but it was only in my mind. I hope you don’t mind me asking why?
Today my brain is talking, it’s not me, he just talks every once in a while.
I’m needing the connection that you can give me, the connect of a time lost in a basket of damaged trust.
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I wish I knew why I can’t get into bed, I’d sleep on the lounge for days on end. Usually awake, sometimes all night. I start to hallucinate, probably from sleep deprivation, or maybe just psychotic. I guess It’s chaotic.
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All the People caught in your web, they lie for your lies, and you cry for your broken heart but don’t bat an eye to rip out another. You say that you love me like I’m some tourist attraction, when you never even bothered to get to know me. Infatuated with a ghost as you sleep by another. You messed with my perception of reality, if you were like me you would know to never do that. I don’t think I can forgive…I don’t think I want to forgive.
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Destroy, take a breath, and re-stack the shelves. My wrath won’t plague the breath of despair. I’m frozen since the day the confusion started.
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You’re hopeless, indirect, unsuspecting, predictably stationed. Your words won’t get through, because they’re dripping in lies. So stipulated, is it understated, or just created to be fated. The End…
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Speak in tongues so I don’t understand. I don’t have my glasses so you disappear, I can no longer see you. I’ll runaway, within myself. Stay away, I won’t listen anymore. Together we can be unforgiving, but apart we can just stay at the start. Nothing can make me budge my upset, stay increased on the round. I don’t love.
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Plot twist, it’s a legend – the story. It starts, and ends. It twists her brain into oblivion. She’s confused, but she feels that way often. She thinks she’s better off safe than in the arms of another. But she didn’t know before that it would last her lifetime, but now she does. It feels like Whispering in her ear. Fever in the brain, stitched in her ears after what she hears. Not obvious, a bit foggy, somewhat clear to her sickness. But she must not give in.
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I say I’ll stand and fight, but I always flight when things get hard. I runaway and hide, from the hospital, and from the people who care. They take me to that room, where they lock the door, and don’t let you leave. Someone wrote 666 on the wall, but the doctor thought I was crazy when I told him. They make you wait it that room for hours, if you’ve been there, you’d know. The place before the Psych ward. The worst place to be. Then mental health act, you’re now an involuntary patient.
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Stated simply to gain a positive impact on a fallout that is bound to occur. I’m steadily gaining traction as I peddle down this fracture. A taser to my brain, you left it all messed up. I’m confused, not knowing what’s real from what’s not.
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The vines reach up to strangle the curtains
Leaving them gasping for air
Standing in all my despair
They curl around me, And suffocate me
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And when you felt the cold radiate from under my skin. Everything reacts at once, an explosion of indecisiveness. Changing disposition to reflect me staring back at you. And Some things mean nothing to me.
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Can you send your feelings through the mic, so I can analyse the lyrics till I confuse them. De Clérambault’s syndrome sync to my beat. I think I’m finally tempted to run to my defeat.
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Stitched my lips so you won’t hear it from me. But when the scissors break them free, everyone will see that everything is not the way they are supposed to be. Figured I would have figured this out by now, don’t know maybe I’m not meant to know, and the snow was always gonna fall over my gutted head.
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You seem so bitter
When really you’re just busy
Watching the stars
Gazing in bars
Tasting the cars
To treasure the litter
Yeah I’m just litter
Treasuring the fitter
You can never save me
From the setting sun
Setting sun…
Severe my staging state
Never meant to take
Forever bound…
Forever bound…
I say so long to the state I am bound. Goodbye…
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Maybe it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but I can’t stop thinking, what if it was.
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My temper falls to a cry
Maybe it’s difficult to try
When the standards are so high
You left my brain to fry
Keeping up with your lie
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Tomorrow I’ll run against the smallest odds
I’ll frown upon the lonely thoughts
That trim a breathless pain too close to remain
In my destiny
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‘Wake up’ my mind calls to itself ‘wake up’ don’t dream too small. Burry your heart in something tall, trigger warnings swallow me until I fall.
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Everything drifts into silence, I speak but there are no words.
I search for the light. They say that it’s there. So I know that it’s there. But my eyes don’t wanna see.
The need for belonging continues to drift with the feeling of empty, meaning I don’t have the need to belong.
There’s the numb divide between me and you. You deafen what’s truth, and what’s lie. The medication, or Even the zaps couldn’t clear you from my mind.
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So is that what it is, a heart for a heart sorta thing. I break yours, you break mine
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Looking at the pictures of us…
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There will never be time in this life to bring back the sight that unknowingly blinds the windows of this house. Perpetuated, sometimes insinuated, blacken the depth beneath your gaze. For your gaze crucifies me in an attempt at being heard. Nothing can beckon the strength to pull through. I’ll lie here damaged, ditched, and dead on the floor.
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Celebrating a bad situation, throwing my forgiveness at it. Almost like it’s meant to belong here.
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Why? Why must things be this way? We must suffer to know pleasure. Freedom comes when we are one with ourselves. But I’m shattered in little pieces.
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I’m traveling and I don’t know where I’m going. Strangled by knowing. I’m becoming by drowning. How I’m always drowning. Pounding my drum through.
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I’m terrible, totally trashable. Dancing on ice, I fall more than twice. Slow cooked crooked damned man, never knowing what comes next. Frozen in an everlasting space. Begging just to escape. Sinister solemn souls bare bold on my back bone, nothing can touch me, and I mean not even you.
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Nobody ever would dare to spare the salty tears that dance down your face. your hands kiss your cheeks as they wipe the tears away. The words leave your lips, and I’m crucified by your gaze. Lazy days and long lost words play on my mind. Hoping that it’s not all in my mind.
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So deductive, mind blown
Wish I could of seen
That I was not unseen
Frozen shivers run down
My spine
Sorry I missed that line
Can you say it clearer
Because it haunts me
Not knowing
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Crowded, haunted, surrounded. it sounds like the voices in my head, I got to get away – before the violins play. They play for each tear that drops, they play for the sadness within my heart, and they play for the long lost dreams that never quite made it.
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A million words could surpass me, but the ones that stick are those that come with a thorn.
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I heard there was something to say when someone had hurt you so.
I don’t know these words, but I don’t know, maybe you do.
I wonder if you’ve shared such words with me before
But I was too naive to know
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Everybody knows, Everybody but me
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Strapped back, stuck in the back
Fronting the elements in the great contusion constructing my body
Nothing enters without leaving, nothing stays without going. They all move forward, while I move backward.
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Sunshine aches on the back of my bones
Broken by the backbone of the stones
Stolen by a form of broken place
Rubbing the last existence of my face
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There was never anything
That could explain everything
I feel the jealousy sting
Hope there won’t be any bling
It’s nice to hear the birds sing
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It still stings under the water, why does this always happen to me? the self loathing
I’m always desperately trying to make it to the surface to grasp for air
But you’re holding my leg pulling me down back into the depths of despair where my tears created this ocean.
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You have forsaken me, left me in the ditches to rot and burn with the fire you left behind. Crying to be rescued, I pull myself up from the dirt but not without the 3rd degree burns.
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Feel the freshness of the breath blowing on your face, the breath of this spring day, dancing around your fears. You’re finding things troubling, she wonders if fact is fiction, is it all in her head.
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Late night, cannot sleep
Thinking about something deep
Letting it go round and round my head
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The Memory of you, so sweetly gazing through the window. Day dreaming, I always wondered what you were thinking. The memory of you, watching the clock everything done on the dot. The memory of your chocolate stash, the one I would have loved to snatch. The memory of you becoming so fragile and weak. I must admit it was hard to say goodbye, but I will always have my memory of you.
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The light was out of sight
The darkness was the opposite from bright
The walls caving in so tight
I keep thinking nothing feels right
I might begin my flight
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Swiftly but surely I’ll stroll by the hole in my heart
I’ll staple it back to the start
Oh, how love plays such a part
-
I never thought this would happen
I imagine you lying on your side
with a stitch too strong to undo
Because of me
Everything goes black
And I’m slowly walking toward the door
Definitely reaching out for more
As I go to turn the handle
Nothing feels the same…
What’s on the other side?
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Alone, Alone again. Dance in the sand. No-one knows I’m bare. Sending splendour in something so rare. Nobody can take this control, not even them. The one that dares to live inside of me. I tell them to go away, but they do nothing but stay. I call you the evil in me. I try to say goodbye to that part of me, but the thoughts still thunder through my mind…Intrusive thoughts.
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Trust in the way that you betray
My memory is not clear, use it to your advantage
Do you really believe anyone deserves this all
Why is the voice singing, why is it clinging
All this pain leads to dreams stinging
I can take it if I want to
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Slippery and slowly scraping by, maybe I’m done. Maybe I’m no fun. Maybe I don’t even see the sun. Sobbing in the backseat…The front seat is taken.
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Dead in the night, left me in so much fright. Gone outta sight. A fight with the light.
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Watching the faces, flow through these places. Gemini or Cancer, I don’t know the answer. Butterflies flutter and shutter, executing me and leaving me lonely. If only I had known before it was too late. Cleaning the slate won’t be as easy as fate. So here I go, I say Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye
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Shiver with the wither, slither slit with scissors
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Sunshine aches on the back of my bones
Broken by the backbone of the stones
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Wearing pink lipstick, pulling my hair back, bright purple eyeshadow. Seeming so innocent, and believing it as well. But you know your truth. Seemingly untouched, separately seen to you. But You don’t know my truth.
- Truth
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The storage in my brain feels like it’s almost full. I process through all my negative thoughts, but I can’t delete a single one. Nothing about this is really any fun. Reliving every moment like sunburn from bathing in the sun.
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It’s hard finding inspiration
You’ll see I’m always waiting
Looking for something breaking
Taking all my impaction
It’s a long life infraction
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I’m losing favour
In the depths of this flavour
Please be my saviour
Intense behaviour
Total betrayer
You are the slayer
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The damage is done, and life goes on.
But I didn’t think I’d be waiting this long.
I hear a melody in a delicate song.
Telling me everything I’ve done wrong.
I’m keeping the etiquette to stay strong.
While Remembering loosely I do not belong.
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Hesitating while contemplating
So invading, my life’s upstaging
Fall from the caging, Freedom’s taking
Damage rebranding on a time left standing
-
Every word held over my head
Please when I go to bed
Let me sleep this river away
The mountain was steep, does it compel you to stay?
-
Did you hear all the rumours
I think they’re true
The walls you build to keep safe
There’s nobody here, in my dream, but you and me.
I can’t keep following without knowing
Give me peace, I am the only one here
-
My mind is lost and my heart is tossed. Stolen in an instant, I was no investment. Depreciating every day, my testament out on display. Pretending everything was gonna be okay. I was debating by the day, wondering what you will say.
-
The words will not come
Leave clues like bread crumb
Breathe deep through your lungs
Sing creep through your tongues
-
Congratulations!
I’m saturated
Impulse on overdrive
Eye contact is scarce
Singing lullabies in my head
Much is lost with the dead
I wish everything was ok instead
-
Your distress is dressed to impress
Instant attack, takes me aback
Good luck to something that will suck
Front and back, your lack of trust is engraved
Lonely and deprived, slowly divided
And Into nothing none the less
-
It’s the parts that’s frozen
It’s the starts that’s chosen
You left your mark
Like a timid shark
Soft with a mean bite
I’ll be out of sight
-
Situations lost
But at what cost
You say to forget
But I have all this regret
Situations lost
And it was at a cost
I can’t forget
And you can’t erase this regret
-
It’s like a sitcom and we both play the victim and in an attempt to glance I tend to stare, rough and rare, tell me you still care. Nothings gonna end my pain, and I still haven’t made peace with that yet. When I was In the audience and it feels so raw, I wish I knew more. And if only you saw.
-
How do you lie? With the etch in your eye
It’s so hard to find the heart behind the wall that you’ve built up so tall.
-
Sweet Angel take me
Don’t let them wake me
I’m bent over backwards
Frozen like the statues
An accent on a champagne pain
Make me better, make me feel better
Do I need the zaps again
I’m caught up in traps
Sweet Angel take me
Don’t let them wake me
-
Give me something to take from my miserable life
Don’t leave me to beg in strife
I thrive on the hope, I deprive on the unknown
Broken and unspoken – can you just give me another clue? To make me feel it’s true.
-
I see the manipulator
He’s my favourite player
Withdrawing every layer
Maybe you could stay and…
– To Be Continued
-
Sometimes we want it all
Sometimes we seem to fall
And sometimes I hear your call
-
I was Polishing my worst qualities
And maybe I should say I’m sorry
-
Sing so sad, but lingerings bad. I want to hold on, but what I’m hearing may be a dream. Nothing is as it seems, bringing pain with every slander. Leaving a crater in the depths of my heart. Taking me back to the start, where it all began…
-
Taken on a long whispering road, winding through the ashes of my past. A trillion reasons to be on my way but I’m here to hear what you have to say. Are you gonna make me pay?
-
A child lost inside
Moving with the tide
Waves go up & down
Reminiscing on this town
I don’t think I’ll make you proud
Every word that breaks from your mouth becomes too loud
I’m begging to hear a particular sound to put my mind at ease
A burden I ride on the ocean’s seas
-
Looking for Inspiration with desperation
Taking time to infect my abrasion
I feel like I’ve been left on this station
To linger lonely in a some what sensation
-
Ever waited so long just to discover you don’t belong?
Questions buried in loneliness, but not the type of lonely one would assume. It’s a loneliness because no one understands.
-
Whisper willingly back to the biggening
Softly spoken, carefully broken
It Never ends, the bloating bends
Keep a secret too stale to unwind this betrayal
Feverish to a pale tale, slowly dreaming of infinity
And slipping through the insanity
-
This rewinding in my head going over every word that you said
Sing a song to make everything go along
Will I always be in the shadows teasing like black widows
Looking out of the windows, my heart shows
Closeness when still faraway
I’m sad
But you’re with the sunshine
And that’s okay
⁃ Stay there
-
I don’t know how I live with this regret
Maybe if I wish to forget instead of to reset
I might find peace in the depths of my upset
Always I have struggled dreaming of what I should get
-
One of the saddest who has seen the happiest in her life
Propelling to the top of the food chain
And downgraded some time after
Feathers and treasures bend through the light
All the lies that someone sent
Swept under the carpet
But never forgotten
-
The weight pressing on my lungs
Expressing the essence that leaves me lush
Waiting, and waiting for a never
Stopping and starting forever
Glance at the light, I’m never in the dark
Was I supposed to share that part
A lot has kept me apart
From the social start
I’m not lonely in the way you think
I’m lonely in the way because not many understand
But do you understand?
-
Oceans made from the tears you wept
Cutting edge back through the nights I slept
Am I in your debt or are you in mine?
Maybe if I never knew I’d be fine
But I want to know, I want to know what’s true
Ultimately can I believe in you
Because I’m unsure if your words are true
-
I can’t withstand the extent of my long lost thought
Nail it down like a treasure begging to be kept
I’m trending on the sentiment of my mind
Cross roading through the fast thoughts
Blinking, breathing deep
I can’t watch you weep, and I cannot sleep
-
I opened my eyes to be greeted with lies
Injected with insincerity, my heart cries
As my brain tries to float away
Emptying into oblivion
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Painstaking undo this tracking
I’m bombarded by avalanches
Thoughts confused with fiction
Or is it words whispered in lies
Have mercy on me
I did not know firstly
And secondly I’m broken
A temper framed like a time bomb
Desperately waiting, dreaming for the shit to hit the fan
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I’m still trying not to be weak
Being the opposite of what they seek
Everlasting breath
moves through the millennium
Broken hearts surround where it starts
But nothing can control those parts -
Your tentacles left me in shambles
Tightening around me
Breaking me apart
I should of known from the start
That you would break my heart
Your voice it rambles inside my head
But Maybe I should break free instead
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I think constantly, going over and over in my head. Pressure building to expand. No one’s giving in, am I believing the truth or is my mind lying to me. Only one can say.
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Bloomed as I became doomed
My minds racing like it’s vroomed
Can I handle what I asked for?
My heads about to explode
Dressed and begging to implode
Let honesty breathe, and decency leave
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Mess with my heart, fair enough. But don’t mess with my head.
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Doomsday gloom on a dusty figurine
Record runs wild looping uncontrolled
Singing aimlessly into the air
Making my skin ride bare
Favouring the instant heartache
Dreaming of a lasting blood bank
The devil plays a horrid prank
Dividing me into an alluring pain
Nothing seems seamless
Nothing feels needless
But something craves loveless
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I’m lost.
turn my life around.
But at what cost.
My feet are bound.
Empty in the frost.
I’m tired.
Freaking out.
Everything backfired.
All I do is shout.
– There’s nothing left…
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I’m gonna live like you’re not watching
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I see you in my dreams,
My hair flows like streams,
Lonely as such it seems,
My heart bursts and steams,
Grown so far from our teens,
Desperate to wipe out my screens,
I like how my heart beams,
Are you sure you know what that means?
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So long since I’ve looked away
Driving my past each way
Wondering what to say
I’ll figure it out one day
Maybe my mind will choose to stay…
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It’s frosty in the fog of my mind, clouds bruise against my skull. Looking blankly at the wall, judging time wrong. Beckoning for a reason to survive. The depression is like poison in my veins, which makes me dangerously poisonous. Sometimes it’s best for others to stay away.
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Basking on your thrown of lies, terrible brutal cries cemented in a fellow heart. Mine breaks for hers.
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I see your face, it’s so out of place
Like a Picasso, dented and fragmented
But the colour is so intense, and it just doesn’t make sense.
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There’s just something in the way you overrate me, things that maybe I don’t live up to, but it makes me smile. Every pattern draws into oblivion – the past, and into the future. Most of my words go unspoken, because honestly, I’m unsure of myself. I’m desperate to find a truth in a delusion, everything could just pass as coincidental. The messages that I feel are sent to me may not be a message for me, maybe it’s just fiction my mind wrote.
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A crowded path as a lonely craft, stationed for impact. There’s no way I’m coming out intact, desperate for contact. My mind burrows oh so far within itself. I wonder through myself to find my lonely path. Only to be transformed into a bottomless craft destined for impact.
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Take a step back, and deny the truth
Desperate for the proof
Opening my eyes to my unseen youth
Poison buries my body into an unrelenting shape
Taking every precaution to escape
Coming out with nothing but a scrape
Underlining every word that could be truth
Always looking for some sort of proof
Reminiscing on my youth
Bending so unruly out of shape
Desperate for any kind of escape
All that’s left is this awful scrape
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Give me clarity in this serenity
My self control makes me lose control
Instinct overrides logic
My heart is made of glass and as it slides through my fingers it shatters on the concrete
The glass cuts my feet as I try to put the pieces back together.
But maybe it’s too late…
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My brain runs wild with every scent of what’s meant to be. My heart breaks for my past, living in the lonely state that never gets better. Sometimes I wonder if I did one thing differently, would everything change. I relive the past over, and over – contemplating my choices. Choices that may have been for the best, but fill me with pain.
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Torching the path through my mind, taking my time. Breathing every breath as if it’s my last. Entering the Time Machine to my past. Everything moves so fast. Unlocked memories, and unboned rarities – nothing can become unstuck, especially our past.
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I feel the moonlight gazing through my window
I don’t see it, but I know it’s there
And I know that means it’s the dark time of day.
Singing the sad song that’s stuck in my head
I Lay straight, and untouched in my bed.
My breath is simmering in a lonely way,
I begin Dreaming of a sunshine day.
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Am I insane, or does it say my name. Listening cautiously, interestingly my attention is drawn. Love to be sworn, stung by a snake. A liars path did you take? Or am I just insane, the pattern remains. Going in circles, waiting for the proof.
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Afternoons slip into mornings and the air feels so calm as your breathing it in, just to say what will come of today?
And a grey cloud hovers above my head, rain empties from the cloud making the tears rolling down my face less obvious.
And then morning slips into afternoon.
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What’s left in the unsaid
Dampening beneath my breath
Always frozen, always burning
Never ending turning,
taken by a stream of tears
Lost beneath the current
Eliminating me, I’m drowning
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I’d transport my thoughts if I could
I’d send them to a place,
Where bad thoughts don’t hurt
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Sliding, scraping away
Deafened by the sound my heart decides to be its prey.
Cracking under the pressure, no hope to measure
I blink once, then twice – but there’s nothing nice about it
Nothing compares, nothing ever declares
I’m Frozen in a bucket of tears
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Peeling in poison
Breaking my back to understand what’s wrong with me.
There’s not even a tiny glimmer of hope
I’m just lonely in my quest to live
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Broken, but you can’t tell by my appearance
I look like I’m all together
It affects me like brain damage
I’m Fighting A polluted mind
Desperate for answers
I cower in the corner
Seeking peace would come more effortlessly
Shaded from the sun, blinded before it began
I’m just hopelessly waiting
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Crying in the bathtub
Dreaming of my death
A craving I yearn for,
But not yet want
Loosely divulging into my spiral
A ghost lost but unprepared to aspire
With each sallow I took the chance
But ended up regretting my choice
Yet that yearning still haunts me
Day in, and day out
An outcast fighting for true belonging
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How did I make it here,
So far away from you?
How did I lose so much?
Breathing battered breaths,
From longing depths
Nothing seems to drain my mess
Begging to eliminate my stress
Why do I favour contempt?
Why can’t I see myself different?
Always confused, in a deadly doom.
Maybe tomorrow will change
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I feel so disconnected
Everyone feels so distant
The world seems fragmented
I could disappear in an instant
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Creepy crawly crawling on me
Dead till the end, the depth of despair
Never breaking forward to meet the air
Forever locked in a long lost battle
Forced to freeze in an up fold shatter
I will never be the same in this endless pain
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Why must the wind howl like a dog desperate for air?
The tone in my voice becomes relentless and bare
Together they bend to train their stare
Forever I’ll learn I’m born to scare
All this taming doesn’t seem fair
I’m lonely in this world bound to tear
Why did I teach myself to care
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Hi,
Welcome to my blog. I’m kinda new to blogging, so I’m hoping it will be a therapeutic experience for me. Right now it is around 12pm, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, which can make life a little tough for me. As I’m Listening to the crisp night, and dazing crickets outside it reminds me how safe I am, yet how big the world really is. My illness makes me paranoid, so feeling safe is very important to me.
I started this blog spontaneously tonight, I had intended to start a blog a few years ago but never followed through. The blog was to be called ‘Schizoreflective’, a blog reflecting on schizoaffective disorder.
My blog that I am starting now years on will reflect on my illness, but will also be a form of therapy for me – to exercise my thoughts, and feelings on..well whatever I feel like writing about. It may be as spontaneous as starting this blog, and writing this post or maybe a post could be long planned out. I also enjoy writing a bit of poetry, so I might post some poetry – we’ll see.
Schizoreflective 