I’ve concluded that I’m confused.
Close this wound, that I etched,
Scraped into my minds skin.
My nails feel they’re committing a sin.
Maybe I gotta shape the edges to curve to the shape, to fit within the box.
So we can close the lid.
Tag: words
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When the audience doesn’t clap for my sad, sad tune. That I sing in monotone – blew through the microphone, like a wind so untouchable.
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Shut within her locket, memories, that corrupt her sense of stability to the ground. Fireworks corrupt her mind with the intention to seep her through the limits of her illogicality. Corrupting my mind with verbal words and melody, seems to always go this way. Corrupted by not being able to verbalise my feelings, because it’s always me who’s illogical and no one else.
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You made me a beautiful painting, and then signed another’s name to it. The girl in the painting, her eyes are filled with salty water. She swims, and lives in dreams. You’re waiting for her rain in the sleepy desert you call purgatory. Meanwhile she’s drowning in her own purgatory.
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It’s always twisting and winding and unclear. I like interpreting, but it leaves a lot to the imagination – maybe things untrue within my head, and because it’s someone else’s name that’s etched on the stone – it brings tears to my eye that bleed, and stain the carpet. Because the carpet is where I’m stuck to the ground inside a stolen look within someone’s eye. And I know my poems probably suck, and I know I probably suck. But I can’t help but feel suffocated, but in some sense I like it, and in another sense I want to getaway – because I’m drowning not floating.
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They say talk to me directly, and don’t forget me. They want to be included, not thought to be deluded. I know they’re afraid, and feel tied down. Chasing their freedom, while feeling fearsome – Together we’ll steal the sunshine, and not feed the dark side within our coping cave.
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So long searching
For scolding, shreds of simple stations
On the television, still contemplating sayings, scripts of crippling cravings
Stepped in a puddle, seen my reflection
Did not recognise which direction
To sink slowly, shrinking through contemplation.
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Fight or flight, I gotta get away
Unsure if I have anything to say
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Watching the words mix in the songs, still slow to react to the flow. I always take the same stance on the trance – things run around my head, causing head aching, suffocating confusion. So I picked myself up off the floor, and let it go, and tried to ignore. But I don’t know what comes next, I dunno. It won’t stop screwing around with my head.
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One push will knock me over.
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Foggy memory slips in from the distance. Send my whole soul back to the last life, and I can start over, and right all my wrongs. I shaped a circle on the wall, trace it over, and over, create a black hole – go through, sends me back to the past life.
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I wish I could be content within myself, anxiety always overshadows. Compulsion, static sympathy. I finished that show last night, it made me cry. Some things are so meaningless, but I think about them over and over till they have meaning.
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Her heart roams the earth, bound by existence. Stripped down to a matchstick flame, frozen like a photograph – So always a memory.
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It all Changed for me, when I promised myself I’d never forget. I’m awake when everyone else sleeps. Everything goes through my mind, anger, distress, peace, quiet and always longing for more. Can you give yourself to someone, when your heart belongs to another.
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I created a world where my dreams flew wild, they blew in the deep blue sky…and it seemed I seen it all…but it was only your silhouette, with the parts that my dreams filled in.
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I left so many promises behind, and had none to move forward with. Stolen stares and separate affairs, no one could have predicted what was to come of some of us ahead.
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It’s all in my head, everything I needed to say. But it’s like it’s been illogically scribbled on a napkin, it doesn’t make sense when my mouth moves to say it. Creatively thought through, but riddled in the middle of confusion. Nothing reaches the conclusion, it’s just a spinning splash of gibberish.
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You keep me in your words
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Somewhere out there someone is staring at a statement written on a page, Desperate to understand.
The page is empty now because writers block swept over like a hurricane twisting the words from the page.
Now I feel I’m falling down whenever I stand up, and i’ve been afraid, and I know you’ll decide what you want.
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When you discover things aren’t real, you drown your whole world in your mind.
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What if I’m way off with my thoughts and feelings,
What if I can’t control my emotions if they get close.
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Why don’t you want me to know? Probably the same reason I don’t want you to know. But I don’t know why I don’t what you to know.
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It was almost as though you could touch the air
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Don’t leave hope up to me
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So spacious, I’m so ungracious. Slipped and fell on a sinful fight. The night comes fast, man it freaks me out. Stay, and the world beckons for an applause. Only time will tell, the difference between now and then. Spend on the end of a finger prick. Pick your battles, well okay I will.
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Crucial coincidences. Misidentifying. Rapid cycling. System overloading. Minds folding. Stubborn incidences. Fine principles. Caving walls. Detail falls. Just Craving more.
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Had a year just to stay all mine, I had some time to stay all night.
It’s a Beating crime to go out of sight.
The room closes in so tight, just wasting away my prime.
It’s defeating, and I felt nothing below my feet.
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Mirages masked in static around the room
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September blues left you with no clues, but creation bleeds through the finger tips and the ink sheds some light on the crash. Assassinating the waves, no lamictal rash, just more stable. Driving in the car, I thought solely of the things that bury me deep in reflection, and then I reflected on it.
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I Want to feel free from the walls that line my mind. I wanna let go, without the fear of falling. But Anxiety warns me every time. It talks to me, and he has a name. So I can’t be free, because I don’t want to lose control.
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Earthquakes as birth makes something contoured that was once slow burned. It’s never together, always apart – and maybe the birth takes more than what I will learn. I learn so slowly, you see. I learn so slow, and now it’s too late. Over the head, everything rolls, over my head. In my own world, when I’m tired the butterflies and flowers moved over me. I fell asleep in the garden yesterday.
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I have a strength in me, to believe in all the things that you say.
But I get misguided, the wires cross. Fiction, and fact get intertwined.
Twisting out of control, the veins in my brains get bigger and bigger.
And I know that It’ll be with me forever.
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I’ll feed my fantasy
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It’s just a daydream…
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Suspended and connected
Confused till defused
So dangerous it’s outrageous
I’m so genuinely, delicately amused
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Rumours rest on my shoulders, weighing me down
Careful planning plots a patient, painful revenge
Now Regretful actions tilt beside my aching past life
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Listening to the flooded sound, measuring my state of mind on a scale. -
No later, just never
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Days began to swing one into another when the seroquel put me to sleep for most days and nights, but now the seroquel can’t even stop me from staying up all night sometimes. Still the days blur.
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I’m slaying my singing in the shower. Energising my voice with such power. Gotta yell, gotta scream and later I’ll feel better.
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Everybody heard the noise from the headphones because I listen to my music too loud. Everybody glanced at the paper as I wrote a letter to myself, but they couldn’t understand anything that it said. Riddled in riddles, septic in meaning, and all the words were lost through time until I found it in the future.
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Coming through the black spot from the dot at the end of the sentence. A whirlwind, catastrophic situation that’s signalling the end.
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The weather in my mind is lighting and rain.
Time traveling through all the pain.
Overthinking until I’m insane.
Nothing works right inside my brain.
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As long as our hearts are pure, I’m sure we’ll definitely find a cure to heal our souls. But, the inevitable is always going to come. Playing music while I lie awake unable to sleep because I feel it deep. I keep reminiscing on past memories and how I could have done it differently, even silly things that no-one else would even remember. I want to float away, far away from my thoughts, where I’m just existing without effort.
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I don’t want to feel any of this anymore
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Truth sleeps while the mouth lies. Temper won’t storm, no not today. But the whispering thoughts still swirl around the mind, till the shallow stems break through the skin.
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Love leaves so slow, if at all. Stole a piece, and then I never put it back. I sometimes see so clear in my dreams, but when I’m awake my dreams seem so unclear. I address you through my words, but I don’t expect you to see – I’m just a girl you used to know. I’m not angry, although sometimes I am. I guess it’s the way it has to be.
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I feel like I’m choking, gurgling on air. My throat is tightening, my chest keeps tensing, and I feel like there’s a cyclone spiralling in my stomach.
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A beautiful flower’s petal’s dance under the gleaming light. A drop of rain delicately lands on one of her petals. But she stands strong, and brave until the shower ends and the beautiful sun shows his face once again.
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You know she walks on air, she’ll float away so beware
Once you catch her, you gotta set her free
To float away into the clouds
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Delicate dreams peaceful it seems
As they sleep
I am awake
Beautiful flower so delicate
Bring me peaceful dreams tonight
I’ll pull the petals one by one
Until I Fall asleep
I try not to look back
But my dreams always bring back the past
Riddled with regrets
Open my eyes to my mistakes
Let’s just leave the past in the past
And have sweet dreams
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I feel really overwhelmed, maybe the lorazepam will help. I’m stuck inside my head. I’m struggling, not handling the things you say. If you documented in song the demon at my door, maybe you shouldn’t have. I’m often worried about mind control, and the evil in me taking control.
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All the words that I’ve heard and wrote. Saturated with the cool air, frosted without a care. Crumble, the words will. My door is closed, I’ll keep running. Unease, stormy seas, meant to be’s crash through the entrance of this place – opening the door.
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You’re blaming the game as the reason why you cheat. Planning principles on the back of deceit. Every time you prove them blind, you feel sublime.
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Step on each petal of the flower, tiptoe through the blackhole in the middle. Checkmate, all the cubes are straight, perfect symmetry from an obsessive compulsive. State the facts, go through it over and over and over again, an intrusive and unwanted thought which never collapses to leave the mind.
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Astounding the places my mind goes, travelling through time just to roam a planet far away. Clever at tricking, it’s sticking to its story. Strong to misguide, never thinking right. Confused, misjudged, statements left unsaid. Sounds found deep within. Too much control. But I can’t control either.
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I’m gonna fall apart before I ever get the part where you say you care. You have to stare, glaring at the empty chairs – A systematic sinister snapshot berating us with its existence.
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Secrets signed with pencil
I’ve still got damage from the image of you kissing her
My signature can easily be erased
My pockets are filled with scepticism
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Love to end in tragedy, isn’t it oh so romantic. Oh no, but it’s supposed to be all okay with you. Every fad and curse to start with emptiness, isn’t it a tragedy you’ll say, Everything is lost on me. I do listen to your words and rhymes, even though I misunderstood.
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Too long to wait, the wait is endless. The pavement leaves me speechless. Just for a moment maybe I thought I wasn’t crazy, but I probably am. Aw well not much I can do to inform you now.
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Droplets seep into the skin below your eyes, sorrow awakens and begs us to surrender. Solemnly swear to my broken back and shoulders left bare, that I will try to move today.
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Sunshine gloom. Tears in fearsome eyes. Colours of all shades, glowing in this game charade. Sometimes I can see more than what’s beyond me.
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Staring blankly at a fragmented ceiling, my heart screams from within me, nothing can console my rotten bones. So I lie here and stare at the fragments above me, and dream.
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Sweet how your words sink
Down the drain Into my heart
Should of known from the start
That when it comes to a depart
You will not be my missing link
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When I find out I wasted all this time planning the perfect crime, it’s fine, everything can roll over me like the car tires that scatter the gravel on the road. Should we believe everything we’re told, not sure, probably not. It seems to smother me, but at the same time, I love it.
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I’ll pretend I’m not one of habit when my habits are causing me detriment. I’ll stay awake and crash the next night, and sleep enough for two days. It’s not that I’m bad, well not too bad anyways, I just get lost sometimes.
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I bet you feel the cold oh so easily. Can you focus, or do you lose attention oh so easily. Does it feel the same, or can you forget oh so easily. I don’t know if to hold you dearly, or to let you go oh so easily. I keep searching but the answers don’t come so easily.
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All my visions, they just appear. Dripping along the typed paragraph, all my expectations disappear. Seeping through the skin, the scars reappear. Making it so damningly clear, that there’s so obviously still fear.
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You runaway. It’s never gonna matter, because you’re never gonna forget her. They say everything happens different through the seasons. All your dreams revolve around, all your fears crash around. So slow, I look for silver rings, hoping I don’t find any. But one day I will.
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Future self I see, and I don’t like her. She speaks and then she shocks with her words. she’s clever, uneasy, and super breezy. She’s quiet in company, sometimes her mind yells voices too loud and too soon. I ask How far ahead are you? She’s older, and bolder but she’s not me, just some random lady I happened to pass by.
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All the People caught in your web, they lie for your lies, and you cry for your broken heart but don’t bat an eye to rip out another. You say that you love me like I’m some tourist attraction, when you never even bothered to get to know me. Infatuated with a ghost as you sleep by another. You messed with my perception of reality, if you were like me you would know to never do that. I don’t think I can forgive…I don’t think I want to forgive.
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I say I’ll stand and fight, but I always flight when things get hard. I runaway and hide, from the hospital, and from the people who care. They take me to that room, where they lock the door, and don’t let you leave. Someone wrote 666 on the wall, but the doctor thought I was crazy when I told him. They make you wait it that room for hours, if you’ve been there, you’d know. The place before the Psych ward. The worst place to be. Then mental health act, you’re now an involuntary patient.
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Stated simply to gain a positive impact on a fallout that is bound to occur. I’m steadily gaining traction as I peddle down this fracture. A taser to my brain, you left it all messed up. I’m confused, not knowing what’s real from what’s not.
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The vines reach up to strangle the curtains
Leaving them gasping for air
Standing in all my despair
They curl around me, And suffocate me
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And when you felt the cold radiate from under my skin. Everything reacts at once, an explosion of indecisiveness. Changing disposition to reflect me staring back at you. And Some things mean nothing to me.
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Can you send your feelings through the mic, so I can analyse the lyrics till I confuse them. De Clérambault’s syndrome sync to my beat. I think I’m finally tempted to run to my defeat.
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Stitched my lips so you won’t hear it from me. But when the scissors break them free, everyone will see that everything is not the way they are supposed to be. Figured I would have figured this out by now, don’t know maybe I’m not meant to know, and the snow was always gonna fall over my gutted head.
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You seem so bitter
When really you’re just busy
Watching the stars
Gazing in bars
Tasting the cars
To treasure the litter
Yeah I’m just litter
Treasuring the fitter
You can never save me
From the setting sun
Setting sun…
Severe my staging state
Never meant to take
Forever bound…
Forever bound…
I say so long to the state I am bound. Goodbye…
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Maybe it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but I can’t stop thinking, what if it was.
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My temper falls to a cry
Maybe it’s difficult to try
When the standards are so high
You left my brain to fry
Keeping up with your lie
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Tomorrow I’ll run against the smallest odds
I’ll frown upon the lonely thoughts
That trim a breathless pain too close to remain
In my destiny
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‘Wake up’ my mind calls to itself ‘wake up’ don’t dream too small. Burry your heart in something tall, trigger warnings swallow me until I fall.
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So is that what it is, a heart for a heart sorta thing. I break yours, you break mine
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Looking at the pictures of us…
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There will never be time in this life to bring back the sight that unknowingly blinds the windows of this house. Perpetuated, sometimes insinuated, blacken the depth beneath your gaze. For your gaze crucifies me in an attempt at being heard. Nothing can beckon the strength to pull through. I’ll lie here damaged, ditched, and dead on the floor.
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Celebrating a bad situation, throwing my forgiveness at it. Almost like it’s meant to belong here.
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Why? Why must things be this way? We must suffer to know pleasure. Freedom comes when we are one with ourselves. But I’m shattered in little pieces.
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I’m traveling and I don’t know where I’m going. Strangled by knowing. I’m becoming by drowning. How I’m always drowning. Pounding my drum through.
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I’m terrible, totally trashable. Dancing on ice, I fall more than twice. Slow cooked crooked damned man, never knowing what comes next. Frozen in an everlasting space. Begging just to escape. Sinister solemn souls bare bold on my back bone, nothing can touch me, and I mean not even you.
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Nobody ever would dare to spare the salty tears that dance down your face. your hands kiss your cheeks as they wipe the tears away. The words leave your lips, and I’m crucified by your gaze. Lazy days and long lost words play on my mind. Hoping that it’s not all in my mind.
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So deductive, mind blown
Wish I could of seen
That I was not unseen
Frozen shivers run down
My spine
Sorry I missed that line
Can you say it clearer
Because it haunts me
Not knowing
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Crowded, haunted, surrounded. it sounds like the voices in my head, I got to get away – before the violins play. They play for each tear that drops, they play for the sadness within my heart, and they play for the long lost dreams that never quite made it.
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A million words could surpass me, but the ones that stick are those that come with a thorn.
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The lightning sustains me
The thunder bereaves me
And the Rain always misbehaves
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I heard there was something to say when someone had hurt you so.
I don’t know these words, but I don’t know, maybe you do.
I wonder if you’ve shared such words with me before
But I was too naive to know
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I’m just trying to love you, any way that I can
But you’re already somebody’s baby
I’ve been so sad lately
And I don’t want to disappoint you
But I’m not the person you’re looking for, you know you’ll always want more
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Everybody knows, Everybody but me
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Name your top three pet peeves.
My first pet peeve would have to be people who are dishonest about important things. I know that sometimes lying is needed in certain situations, and that’s okay. But because I suffer from a mental illness with psychotic symptoms, it can be hard to tell what’s real from what’s not, so it means a lot to me when people tell me the truth.
My next pet peeve is sometimes I am treated differently because I suffer from a mental illness. Almost like I’m much more fragile than a normal person.
My last pet peeve is a serious one, I hate it when people make a scrape noise on carpet. To me it’s the most awful sound I’ve ever heard, also I don’t use the word hate lightly.
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Strapped back, stuck in the back
Fronting the elements in the great contusion constructing my body
Nothing enters without leaving, nothing stays without going. They all move forward, while I move backward.
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Sunshine aches on the back of my bones
Broken by the backbone of the stones
Stolen by a form of broken place
Rubbing the last existence of my face
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There was never anything
That could explain everything
I feel the jealousy sting
Hope there won’t be any bling
It’s nice to hear the birds sing
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It still stings under the water, why does this always happen to me? the self loathing
I’m always desperately trying to make it to the surface to grasp for air
But you’re holding my leg pulling me down back into the depths of despair where my tears created this ocean.
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You have forsaken me, left me in the ditches to rot and burn with the fire you left behind. Crying to be rescued, I pull myself up from the dirt but not without the 3rd degree burns.
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Feel the freshness of the breath blowing on your face, the breath of this spring day, dancing around your fears. You’re finding things troubling, she wonders if fact is fiction, is it all in her head.
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Late night, cannot sleep
Thinking about something deep
Letting it go round and round my head
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The light was out of sight
The darkness was the opposite from bright
The walls caving in so tight
I keep thinking nothing feels right
I might begin my flight
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I never thought this would happen
I imagine you lying on your side
with a stitch too strong to undo
Because of me
Everything goes black
And I’m slowly walking toward the door
Definitely reaching out for more
As I go to turn the handle
Nothing feels the same…
What’s on the other side?
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Alone, Alone again. Dance in the sand. No-one knows I’m bare. Sending splendour in something so rare. Nobody can take this control, not even them. The one that dares to live inside of me. I tell them to go away, but they do nothing but stay. I call you the evil in me. I try to say goodbye to that part of me, but the thoughts still thunder through my mind…Intrusive thoughts.
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Slippery and slowly scraping by, maybe I’m done. Maybe I’m no fun. Maybe I don’t even see the sun. Sobbing in the backseat…The front seat is taken.
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Dead in the night, left me in so much fright. Gone outta sight. A fight with the light.
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Watching the faces, flow through these places. Gemini or Cancer, I don’t know the answer. Butterflies flutter and shutter, executing me and leaving me lonely. If only I had known before it was too late. Cleaning the slate won’t be as easy as fate. So here I go, I say Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye
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Shiver with the wither, slither slit with scissors
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Sowed together through the needle bloody, seemingly beating in a perfect rhythm. Edging on the empty sold out prism. He says ‘Present yourself’, but she never shows up. slowly each stitch starts to come apart.
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Look at the sun shine
Watch it burn
Away all of your pain
Symptoms of time
Life left unknown
Watching the sun burn till we’re blown
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The damage is done, and life goes on.
But I didn’t think I’d be waiting this long.
I hear a melody in a delicate song.
Telling me everything I’ve done wrong.
I’m keeping the etiquette to stay strong.
While Remembering loosely I do not belong.
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Hesitating while contemplating
So invading, my life’s upstaging
Fall from the caging, Freedom’s taking
Damage rebranding on a time left standing
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Every word held over my head
Please when I go to bed
Let me sleep this river away
The mountain was steep, does it compel you to stay?
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My mind is lost and my heart is tossed. Stolen in an instant, I was no investment. Depreciating every day, my testament out on display. Pretending everything was gonna be okay. I was debating by the day, wondering what you will say.
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The words will not come
Leave clues like bread crumb
Breathe deep through your lungs
Sing creep through your tongues
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Congratulations!
I’m saturated
Impulse on overdrive
Eye contact is scarce
Singing lullabies in my head
Much is lost with the dead
I wish everything was ok instead
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It’s the parts that’s frozen
It’s the starts that’s chosen
You left your mark
Like a timid shark
Soft with a mean bite
I’ll be out of sight
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It’s like a sitcom and we both play the victim and in an attempt to glance I tend to stare, rough and rare, tell me you still care. Nothings gonna end my pain, and I still haven’t made peace with that yet. When I was In the audience and it feels so raw, I wish I knew more. And if only you saw.
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How do you lie? With the etch in your eye
It’s so hard to find the heart behind the wall that you’ve built up so tall.
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I don’t know how I live with this regret
Maybe if I wish to forget instead of to reset
I might find peace in the depths of my upset
Always I have struggled dreaming of what I should get
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I can’t withstand the extent of my long lost thought
Nail it down like a treasure begging to be kept
I’m trending on the sentiment of my mind
Cross roading through the fast thoughts
Blinking, breathing deep
I can’t watch you weep, and I cannot sleep
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I’m still trying not to be weak
Being the opposite of what they seek
Everlasting breath
moves through the millennium
Broken hearts surround where it starts
But nothing can control those parts -
Your tentacles left me in shambles
Tightening around me
Breaking me apart
I should of known from the start
That you would break my heart
Your voice it rambles inside my head
But Maybe I should break free instead
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I think constantly, going over and over in my head. Pressure building to expand. No one’s giving in, am I believing the truth or is my mind lying to me. Only one can say.
-
Mess with my heart, fair enough. But don’t mess with my head.
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Doomsday gloom on a dusty figurine
Record runs wild looping uncontrolled
Singing aimlessly into the air
Making my skin ride bare
Favouring the instant heartache
Dreaming of a lasting blood bank
The devil plays a horrid prank
Dividing me into an alluring pain
Nothing seems seamless
Nothing feels needless
But something craves loveless
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So long since I’ve looked away
Driving my past each way
Wondering what to say
I’ll figure it out one day
Maybe my mind will choose to stay…
Schizoreflective 