Tag: schizoreflective
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It’s frosty in the fog of my mind, clouds bruise against my skull. Looking blankly at the wall, judging time wrong. Beckoning for a reason to survive. The depression is like poison in my veins, which makes me dangerously poisonous. Sometimes it’s best for others to stay away.
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Basking on your thrown of lies, terrible brutal cries cemented in a fellow heart. Mine breaks for hers.
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I see your face, it’s so out of place
Like a Picasso, dented and fragmented
But the colour is so intense, and it just doesn’t make sense.
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There’s just something in the way you overrate me, things that maybe I don’t live up to, but it makes me smile. Every pattern draws into oblivion – the past, and into the future. Most of my words go unspoken, because honestly, I’m unsure of myself. I’m desperate to find a truth in a delusion, everything could just pass as coincidental. The messages that I feel are sent to me may not be a message for me, maybe it’s just fiction my mind wrote.
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A crowded path as a lonely craft, stationed for impact. There’s no way I’m coming out intact, desperate for contact. My mind burrows oh so far within itself. I wonder through myself to find my lonely path. Only to be transformed into a bottomless craft destined for impact.
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Take a step back, and deny the truth
Desperate for the proof
Opening my eyes to my unseen youth
Poison buries my body into an unrelenting shape
Taking every precaution to escape
Coming out with nothing but a scrape
Underlining every word that could be truth
Always looking for some sort of proof
Reminiscing on my youth
Bending so unruly out of shape
Desperate for any kind of escape
All that’s left is this awful scrape
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Give me clarity in this serenity
My self control makes me lose control
Instinct overrides logic
My heart is made of glass and as it slides through my fingers it shatters on the concrete
The glass cuts my feet as I try to put the pieces back together.
But maybe it’s too late…
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My brain runs wild with every scent of what’s meant to be. My heart breaks for my past, living in the lonely state that never gets better. Sometimes I wonder if I did one thing differently, would everything change. I relive the past over, and over – contemplating my choices. Choices that may have been for the best, but fill me with pain.
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Torching the path through my mind, taking my time. Breathing every breath as if it’s my last. Entering the Time Machine to my past. Everything moves so fast. Unlocked memories, and unboned rarities – nothing can become unstuck, especially our past.
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I feel the moonlight gazing through my window
I don’t see it, but I know it’s there
And I know that means it’s the dark time of day.
Singing the sad song that’s stuck in my head
I Lay straight, and untouched in my bed.
My breath is simmering in a lonely way,
I begin Dreaming of a sunshine day.
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Maybe one day I’ll be free, I’ll be me
Someone I’m still yet to find
But I do know I’ll always be kind
Thoughts flow by slow, then thoughts fly by fast
Emptying everything I have into the vast awareness
My mind seems to lean towards the depress
But I know I’ll always be kind
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Am I insane, or does it say my name. Listening cautiously, interestingly my attention is drawn. Love to be sworn, stung by a snake. A liars path did you take? Or am I just insane, the pattern remains. Going in circles, waiting for the proof.
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Never, ever would I think I’d forget.
Forgive, sure…But forget, no.
I’m wandering through a forest in my mind
Blinking softly as I move through the trees
No one can stop me from reliving my past mistakes
Nothing can ease the pain of these regrets
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The weight is almost to much to bare
Taking every step like maybe you’ll still care
I was never the one who was able to share
Reminiscing on the revenge in your glare
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I’ve never been so paralysed here in paradise
Gloomy storms begin to brew through my mind
Paradise feels now so far away
Trembling for peace, I begin to decease
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Sunshine on a blue day
Feels so weird to say
Everyone’s got their way
I’d beg you just to stay
My skin begins to Fray
My mind decides to play
Everyone seems to betray
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Ready for take-off, but my wings are broken
Taking each step slowly so I don’t fall
Never have I been as taken as now
I wish I could take your hand, and it will all be okay
I wish things could be different,
Maybe in another life, or another time.
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Afternoons slip into mornings and the air feels so calm as your breathing it in, just to say what will come of today?
And a grey cloud hovers above my head, rain empties from the cloud making the tears rolling down my face less obvious.
And then morning slips into afternoon.
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What’s left in the unsaid
Dampening beneath my breath
Always frozen, always burning
Never ending turning,
taken by a stream of tears
Lost beneath the current
Eliminating me, I’m drowning
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I’d transport my thoughts if I could
I’d send them to a place,
Where bad thoughts don’t hurt
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Waking only to find I’m lost
Trembling in the way I tossed
No one feels my emotion
Going through the motions
Never ending taking place
Taking breath in every case
Solitary blames my only way
Begging for you just to say
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Whistle in the moonlight
A song sleepless in the night
Forever chasing you
Forever losing you
Long lost on an empty frost
At what cost will I become tossed
In the recycling, I am recycled
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Sliding, scraping away
Deafened by the sound my heart decides to be its prey.
Cracking under the pressure, no hope to measure
I blink once, then twice – but there’s nothing nice about it
Nothing compares, nothing ever declares
I’m Frozen in a bucket of tears
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Peeling in poison
Breaking my back to understand what’s wrong with me.
There’s not even a tiny glimmer of hope
I’m just lonely in my quest to live
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Broken, but you can’t tell by my appearance
I look like I’m all together
It affects me like brain damage
I’m Fighting A polluted mind
Desperate for answers
I cower in the corner
Seeking peace would come more effortlessly
Shaded from the sun, blinded before it began
I’m just hopelessly waiting
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Taking my last breath to a leaping depth
I never felt so tense, nothing makes sense
Traveling to another place, showered in lace
Fragments of death upon the theft
Nothing feels right, my chest breathes so tight
Everything takes shape, but never feels straight
You lend a helping hand,
from beneath the liars chair that you stand
Take my hand, and we’ll break free from this land
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Beautiful seascape storm
Centred around my base
Categorised by form
An Internal left out space
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Crying in the bathtub
Dreaming of my death
A craving I yearn for,
But not yet want
Loosely divulging into my spiral
A ghost lost but unprepared to aspire
With each sallow I took the chance
But ended up regretting my choice
Yet that yearning still haunts me
Day in, and day out
An outcast fighting for true belonging
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How did I make it here,
So far away from you?
How did I lose so much?
Breathing battered breaths,
From longing depths
Nothing seems to drain my mess
Begging to eliminate my stress
Why do I favour contempt?
Why can’t I see myself different?
Always confused, in a deadly doom.
Maybe tomorrow will change
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I feel so disconnected
Everyone feels so distant
The world seems fragmented
I could disappear in an instant
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Creepy crawly crawling on me
Dead till the end, the depth of despair
Never breaking forward to meet the air
Forever locked in a long lost battle
Forced to freeze in an up fold shatter
I will never be the same in this endless pain
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Why must the wind howl like a dog desperate for air?
The tone in my voice becomes relentless and bare
Together they bend to train their stare
Forever I’ll learn I’m born to scare
All this taming doesn’t seem fair
I’m lonely in this world bound to tear
Why did I teach myself to care
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I hit the ground as hard as possible
Searching for something left unfound
I want more, I’ll always want more
But I’m afraid – maybe things weren’t meant to go my way
I hit the ground while I was searching for something that wasn’t meant to be found
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Washing the clarity from my mind
Intense dread runs through to find
A longtime I tried to be kind
But now I’m hopeless only to remind
You of what comes behind
I’m watching you break in my mind
I’m watching myself turn blind
Bending, and breaking into the grind
Something I could not define
A love lost in time
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Smash with the crash of the bone
Shaking to the breath of alone
Taking a fearful step to the stone
Wings too broken to have flown
I wish you could have shown
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A total of a wink of sleep
I’m not sure if you will be kind
It’s okay, I don’t really mind
A total of a blink too deep
I’m totally lost trying to find
My parts for you to bind
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I can’t tell myself what I’m supposed to do
Caught in the memory of you
All I know is the depth of this takes two
I have to say I have no clue
What’s real, and what not to pursue
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I don’t have the crystal clear vision
My glasses are fogged
Making my decision blocked
A sinister plot to create an incision
One I’d never go through with
A mission to end the dream
Nothing is as you’d seem
You have the light, but dream of the dark
Maybe you didn’t have the spark
I made the endless mark, that burns through your heart
Stapled to the fog of my glasses, I have the crystal clear vision now.
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I drain my energy, floating through the pain.
Nothing creates something in my brain.
Dazed through the elements of rain, blood demands my attention.
Nothing compares to the depths of my insanity, nothing gains from my empathy.
Empty and alone I find a path to take.
A lonely path destined to break.
Nothing compares to my pain.
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You’ll fear me forever
Afraid to see me, my eyes bleed
Taking revenge at every stage
As you take the stage, bleeding with rage
I can’t take these words you throw at me
My eyes close, focused on your prose
Nothing can clear my head
Nothing can take back what you said
I’ll fear you forever
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It seems seamless the way the words flow
Breaking down every breath from below
My understanding is not always instant
But the poem leaves me a great indent
Banishing the poison from my pain
A silhouette with tears of rain
I’ve come to reclaim my brain
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I am enslaved by the bane of my existence
Twisting and turning but never learning
You take a stake to my chest
Just as I was about to leave
I turn to see the thunder thumping in your heart
And I think to myself, Maybe it isn’t over…
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I still hope that you lied to me.
Because if you did, then it means my mind isn’t lying.
I feel so defenceless against uncontrollable circumstances.
Trying to swim to the surface just so I can take that deep breath you deny me.
I’m motionless hanging onto my hope, begging my soul just to cope with this empty mess.
I’ve never been able to handle too much stress. But because of you, I’m bleeding constantly.
It feels like my heart was stolen.
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It feels like I’ve been waiting so long
I’ve held on so strong
Weeping on a sun soaked willow
Feeding it from under my pillow
Will I hear the sounds soon?
I beg to hear the tune
Please let it reveal the truth
I need the proof
To end the endless suffering
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Tomorrow I’ll run against the smallest odds
I’ll frown upon the lonely thoughts
That trim a breathless pain too close to remain
In my destiny
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I lost something that was important to me
I lost something, and now my soul runs bare
I’m frozen in the empty air
As I breathe shallow, I hear the warning
from my heart to my mind
‘Let go’ and I let my tears rain,
Until I’m empty
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My heart breaks, and the tiny pieces fade into oblivion
Shading the emptiness of my mind, tidying the thoughts that rain over you
Nothing changes, even though I want it to
Dreams of you just summon my pain, they flow through like rain
Steadying my gaze on an old picture of you, fretting what could of been but never was
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Sunshine aches on the back of my bones
Broken by the backbone of the stones
Stolen by a form of broken place
Rubbing the last existence of my face
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I don’t know who I am
My whole past feels forgotten to the point I feel empty
I’m trying to connect with my past but everything feels like a hopeless task.
I taste my future, but don’t dare to look
Every sin is a regret I never win
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Wash this disdain from my bottomless pain.
I evaporate to the point of insane.
Why would you lie to me?
The pain indulges through my broken brain.
Why don’t they believe me?
It’s just an endless campaign that won’t sustain.
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She’s so beautiful, delicate like a rose.
I thought she was perfect but Every rose has their thorns and everyone bleeds their thoughts sometimes.
How are we so opposite ?
We have both entangled your heart, and your love has strangled me.
I wonder if she’s easy to read like a page from a book, a page that is so easily folded.
I’m like an enigma, not easily moulded.
While my heart unravels, her heart travels and We are loved by the same person.
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Depression has stung me
I’m bleeding In a pool of my sorrow
Deadened by my unbreakable woe
Gasping for any taste of Light
It’s an entangled fight with the darkness -
Hi,
Welcome to my blog. I’m kinda new to blogging, so I’m hoping it will be a therapeutic experience for me. Right now it is around 12pm, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, which can make life a little tough for me. As I’m Listening to the crisp night, and dazing crickets outside it reminds me how safe I am, yet how big the world really is. My illness makes me paranoid, so feeling safe is very important to me.
I started this blog spontaneously tonight, I had intended to start a blog a few years ago but never followed through. The blog was to be called ‘Schizoreflective’, a blog reflecting on schizoaffective disorder.
My blog that I am starting now years on will reflect on my illness, but will also be a form of therapy for me – to exercise my thoughts, and feelings on..well whatever I feel like writing about. It may be as spontaneous as starting this blog, and writing this post or maybe a post could be long planned out. I also enjoy writing a bit of poetry, so I might post some poetry – we’ll see.
Schizoreflective 