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And the coin dropped, and she realised that what she thought did not make sense.
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Not a single word was said
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Listening to music
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Yeah, I’ll be up all night, but that doesn’t bother me. I talk to the birds, say hello, say goodbye. Never thought I’d be a fool, but maybe I’m a fool for you, Just for today. Tell me a story, I’ll listen I promise.We drive by, I always look because sometimes your name is there.
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— The Cure ‘Pictures of You’
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Smiling as if I’m not sad at all
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I didn’t want that to be documented.
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I know I’ve made mistakes
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I’m frightened, being alone with all my thoughts.
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I never changed my mind, circles, go round and round. Too stubborn to influence, intuition is often confused. Why live your life wondering if you don’t have to. I don’t understand why I have to live my life wondering. Acting natural in front of you, something a rather. Maybe something lucky will happen. It’s amazing how many stories go round and round my head.
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Trusted in the fate of the fear. Gutted, inspired by the interference. Fragrance stepped out through the smell of my nose, stolen senses break on the freaking of my mind. My mind doesn’t care for insight.
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Staring blankly at a fragmented ceiling, my heart screams from within me, nothing can console my rotten bones. So I lie here and stare at the fragments above me, and dream.
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I’m resistant, consistent, relinquishing my thought. Not stable, the table collapses. Pointed…sharp…edged…soul crushing…death defying…
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And don’t forget to use your gifts
Love your life, don’t be afraid
Life can be fast, love can be swift
And wishes uncertain and memories fade– Kilbey Kennedy ‘Brother Moon Sister Sun’
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Sweet how your words sink
Down the drain Into my heart
Should of known from the start
That when it comes to a depart
You will not be my missing link
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When I find out I wasted all this time planning the perfect crime, it’s fine, everything can roll over me like the car tires that scatter the gravel on the road. Should we believe everything we’re told, not sure, probably not. It seems to smother me, but at the same time, I love it.
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I’m too tired to keep up with my hope, it’s exhausting. I’ve been waiting for you to show me what’s been taking so long to complete.
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I’ll pretend I’m not one of habit when my habits are causing me detriment. I’ll stay awake and crash the next night, and sleep enough for two days. It’s not that I’m bad, well not too bad anyways, I just get lost sometimes.
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I bet you feel the cold oh so easily. Can you focus, or do you lose attention oh so easily. Does it feel the same, or can you forget oh so easily. I don’t know if to hold you dearly, or to let you go oh so easily. I keep searching but the answers don’t come so easily.
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Sometimes I stare at the sky to find a cloud that speaks to me loud. Wondering through the faces, leaving steep traces. People are watching, people are reading the thoughts that read through the spaces of my mind. I don’t want to do normal people things, they say I have no motivation, yeah I guess that’s true. I wish I could just be left to simmer and wait till this life is done.
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It’s better to be gutless, guts get you hurt.
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I’m gonna have to let you go for good
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I sometimes google what you mean. The results of my analysis of the words prove to send me more confused. I over think things, and people may not read this but I don’t want things to be unpleasant between me and you. I’m confused, I’m always looking for answers, but I’m worried I’m looking where there isn’t any, but maybe no message is a message.
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I feel butterflies in my stomach sink, I see butterflies in hot pink.
It’s just a cheap trick, fluttering till I’m sick.
How am I surviving on such bad instinct ?
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Forever is a really long time, to feel as though you’ve committed a crime.
I never think before I relinquish my pain. It always leaves a stain on you.
I keep reminding myself it’s all in my head, because it’s just easier that way.
Like how I hear people chatting in my ears, or how I see images on the walls.
It’s not real.
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I shouldn’t of done what I did
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I worry I’ll see someone’s reflection behind me in the window. I made a wish as I blew out the candles, I have a feeling my wish came true.
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Different is good
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Pretty sure the doctors have a hypochondriac registry, to warn other drs of incoming hypochondriacs. I’ll be there literally on death row, and they don’t take me seriously, they say you have a mild headache or something. Srsly I’m totally not a hypochondriac…lol 🤷♀️
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Remembering you, fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white, so delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you, how you used to be -
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You’re just trying to rekindle the looks of your youth. I don’t want to obsess over things I don’t have time for. Watching the sea crush the sand, we need another plan.
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All my visions, they just appear. Dripping along the typed paragraph, all my expectations disappear. Seeping through the skin, the scars reappear. Making it so damningly clear, that there’s so obviously still fear.
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It’d be nice if you could just have a little bit of mania, but it doesn’t work that way, it always escalates. Stay on your mood stabilisers!!
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Wish I could ditch the mood stabilisers, but keep the antidepressants…just for a little bit till my mood lifts.
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You runaway. It’s never gonna matter, because you’re never gonna forget her. They say everything happens different through the seasons. All your dreams revolve around, all your fears crash around. So slow, I look for silver rings, hoping I don’t find any. But one day I will.
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You can’t pin me and try to preserve me like those butterflies locked in a frame
– Butterfly
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And I’m like I give up, a glimpse, a fool. I’m lost within, I have no control over myself. My tears roll, my voice yells. A prank forgotten about. No desire left in my doubt.
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I wanna know
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And I’m ashamed of running away
From nothing real
I just can’t deal with this
I’m still afraid to be thereAmong the hounds of love
And feel your arms surround me
I’ve always been a coward
And never know what’s good for me
Oh, here I go, don’t let me go -
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My mood changes every few days, today it’s glowing like the sunny day it is. I didn’t feel sad yesterday and today like I did the days before. I was motivated to exercise, I get these bouts of motivation, Then I have a week where I can’t do anything. It’s like I’m trapped in a never ending tunnel of depression, there’s no light, but then all of a sudden I feel ecstatic, excited, but the cycle repeats and I’m sad again.
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Watch her become undone
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All my life I have waited
For you to come to me
And now, that you’re here with me
I wanna, I wanna leave- Jack Ladder ‘Cold Feet’
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Future self I see, and I don’t like her. She speaks and then she shocks with her words. she’s clever, uneasy, and super breezy. She’s quiet in company, sometimes her mind yells voices too loud and too soon. I ask How far ahead are you? She’s older, and bolder but she’s not me, just some random lady I happened to pass by.
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Wake up in the morning to a dramatic exit. Systematic stand still rock n rolling control stares slip through. I’d like to hear about your day, I kinda freaked out, I find your intensity overwhelming. I feel confused, reality is blurred with fantasy. I had to get away because I fear I’m unwell.
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It’s The moment she realised she had no space. Her words were hopeless, been watching. They ravish on the bones of the skeletons, they’re watching. She has no space. She wants to be free, she doesn’t want to think about it. She wants to be free from your sight not to see.
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I sometimes don’t know how to communicate that well. They said I could leave, then they said I had to stay, so I ran away. I thought because of that I was a flyer not a fighter, but now I see my fight or flight response react in the opposite direction.
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The visuals of the eyes, they look straight through my mind into my soul and then escape in laser beams through my heart. Crying tears of cotton candy and activated charcoal.
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I tried to say but I think the message came through the wrong way. I tried to scream, but it was only in my mind. I hope you don’t mind me asking why?
Today my brain is talking, it’s not me, he just talks every once in a while.
I’m needing the connection that you can give me, the connect of a time lost in a basket of damaged trust.
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Always scared I’m getting lost in my own mucked up mind. If you lie it’s supposed to become my truth, because your well mind is more reliable than my sick mind. I’m done with the ect, I don’t want to go back to hospital, I don’t want to be around you any longer.
But I can’t let go.
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Not into dating the kinda guy who becomes a vegetarian just because their girlfriend is a vegetarian.
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– ‘Providence’ Jack Frost
Schizoreflective 